{"id":908,"date":"2013-03-24T16:41:24","date_gmt":"2013-03-24T16:41:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/disnaija.com\/nigeria-news\/nigeria-the-gongs-of-war\/"},"modified":"2013-03-24T16:41:24","modified_gmt":"2013-03-24T16:41:24","slug":"nigeria-the-gongs-of-war","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/disnaija.com\/nigeria-the-gongs-of-war\/","title":{"rendered":"Nigeria: The Gongs Of War"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Sonala Olumhense<\/strong><\/p>\n

Four men were gathered around the table, each of them reeking of power, affluence and influence.<\/p>\n

\u201cGentlemen, I thank you for coming to my meeting,\u201d President Goodluck Jonathan said. \u201cI know the notice was short, but Patience insisted that I should call you. And Oronto agreed with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Olusegun Obasanjo shuffled impatiently in his seat, tossing the bulbous left arm of his agbada over his shoulder. \u201cThis is what I don\u2019t understand,\u201d he said in his accustomed drawl. \u201cDo you have to conduct the affairs of State according to the wishes of a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n

The other two men looked away as Jonathan\u2019s gaze of embarrassment came around. \u201cNo, Baba, she is more than a woman. She is always right. She is more of a man. I mean, she is so intelligent she is now a Permanent Secretary.\u201d<\/p>\n

As Obasanjo moved to say something, Bamanga Tukur cleared his throat. \u201cGentlemen, the important thing is we are here, to work in the best interest of the party, to make sure we don\u2019t lose any ground to those people who call themselves All Progressives Congress. I have promised to dribble them like Messi, hahaha\u2026\u201d he laughed.<\/p>\n

Obasanjo caught him off. \u201cI was wondering why you said that. I know you were never a soldier. But if your best weapon is a rifle, do you broadcast that to the opponent before the start of a battle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the fear of Messi\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMessi, my foot! Why can\u2019t you wait until Messi has scored two or three times? Or for eight or nine years? Why did your Messi not dribble in Edo State, where we lost disastrously and a common Labour leader made our party look like Boy Scouts?\u201d<\/p>\n

That was when Tony Anenih began to rise to his feet. \u201cI knew you were going to start attacking me. I know you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Jonathan put his hand on that of Anenih, who was sitting to his right, restraining him. Anenih sat down, but he continued to speak across the table at Obasanjo. \u201cI knew you could not resist the temptation to\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Obasanjo burst into laughter. \u201cI was not even thinking about you,\u201d he said to Anenih, gesturing towards Tukur. \u201cI was talking to Messi here. He wants to dribble somebody, but he can barely walk without help. Come to think of you, where were you two dribblers, Maradona and Messi, when we were being disgraced in Falklands\u2026I mean, Edo? And now you want a third term!\u201d He had turned to Jonathan.<\/p>\n

The three other men looked at each other; then they glared at Obasanjo. \u201cThird term?\u201d they said in unison.<\/p>\n

Then, Jonathan, by himself, repeated: \u201cThird term? You were the one who wanted third term in 1999!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is not true,\u201d Obasanjo retorted, banging on the table. \u201cIn 1999, I contested for my first term. I know people doubt whether you really have a Ph.D, but sometimes I even doubt whether you wrote your WAEC by yourself: you speak a funny English and reason like a market woman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry Baba, I meant in 2006,\u201d Jonathan said, appearing to be deep in thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cI said, \u2018Not true!\u2019 In 2006 I merely expressed interest in the extension of my ongoing term to enable me finish some work. That was no third term. I was not going to run for another term.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jonathan\u2019s brow appeared tortured by thought. He was grinding his teeth. \u201cOkay,\u201d he said, finally. \u201cBut what were you going to finish, Baba? I thought you had done everything. You gave contracts for roads and agriculture and defence. You set up EFCC. You helped Anenih with his N300 billion problem. I think you helped most Nigerians.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anenih\u2019s eyes were blazing with anger as he looked at Jonathan, and once again he began to rise from his seat. But Obasanjo would not let him speak. \u201cYes,\u201d the former President said. \u201cI did help a lot of people in 2006, especially you. I helped you after the Joint Task Force recommended you for prosecution by the CCB for false declaration of assets. But I pre-empted that and made you Vice-President!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut nothing!\u201d Obasanjo shouted. \u201cYou even recently said you are struggling to build your house in your village. All these make you look bad, and make me look terrible because when you were indicted, the evidence included choice property in Yenagoa and Abuja, as well as a lavish seven-bedroom duplex in Otuoke as far back as 2001 that we never took back from you. How can you in 2013 as President say you are struggling to build a house in the same village? Does the house include a staircase to heaven?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBaba, it is just a\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must understand why I am angry. Last year, you said in an interview, \u2018When I hear people saying corruption, corruption, I shake my head\u2026\u2019 Do you think I did not know you were talking about me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tukur, alarmed as the meeting ran out of control, raised his hand, like a kindergarten kid about to ask a question in a noisy class. But Obasanjo ignored him.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at the people you have surrounded yourself with!\u201d he screamed, pointing at Tukur and Anenih. \u201cPeople like Doyin Okupe,\u201d he said. \u201cYou dig out relics and make them kings. Can Mr. Fix-It, who lost the election in his own hometown, Uromi, to fix a hole in his own pocket, talk less of Abuja? The man has expired, but first you make him chairman of the Port Authority, and then of the BoT. Why don\u2019t you just make him chairman of the presidency?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am the chairman of two powerful offices because the entire country trusts me and is depending on me!\u201d Anenih said, scratching his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey trust you? Name one person who trusts you\u2026and do not mention Josephine, because I will call her right now!\u201d<\/p>\n

Anenih was struggling with his temper. \u201cYou cannot telephone my wife,\u201d he grumbled, his voice dropping.<\/p>\n

\u201cTry me!\u201d he challenged. \u201cI can even call Patience from here, except that I do not understand her English. You have to admit, all of you, that in all those years it was I who made the party and the government workable and feared. But now, nobody respects us. And APC is coming for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

The three other men exchanged glances and spoke across the table. \u201cWe respect you, Baba,\u201d they intoned. Of course we respect you.\u201d<\/p>\n

And then Anenih found fresh courage. \u201cBut you must respect us too. We are not children.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, nobody is a child,\u201d Jonathan said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes you are all worse than children,\u201d Obasanjo said. \u201cChaos in the national chairman\u2019s home State. In Bayelsa, even the president\u2019s kinsmen are criticizing him for granting pardon to a man convicted for corruption. And then you outdo yourself by challenging the Americans and the British to a wrestling match!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut your own people in Ogun criticized you too,\u201d Jonathan said. \u201cYour daughter jumped a fence running from EFCC. You lost elections.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. But I never scored an own goal. And my team never lost when I was on the pitch. You don\u2019t even have an economic plan.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need one. I have Ngozi.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrue, she is more than a plan, she is a miracle,\u201d Obasanjo sneered. \u201cDon\u2019t forget you have Diezani too. Do you think it was by coincidence I was my own Minister for Petroleum Resources for eight years?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tukur took off his hat and laid it on the table. It was suddenly very hot. \u201cGentlemen, please let us return to the agenda for this meeting. Our great party is under serious threat.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anenih nodded. \u201cAnd we can start to rebuild the party from this very table,\u201d he said. \u201cThe foundation of this problem is the threat to the structure of PDP.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tukur nodded. \u201cWe must support the national executive,\u201d he said. \u201cWe must allow the executive to function as the party\u2019s most powerful body.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, no,\u201d Anenih said. \u201cThat is a gross misunderstanding. The national executive does as it is told by the BoT. We cannot go forward by going back. The tail does not wag the dog. The NEC and the Presidency are guided and led by the BoT.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that is true!\u201d cried Mr. Jonathan, as if snapping out of a stupor, and then, \u201cNo, that is not!! As President, I am in charge.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obasanjo rose to his feet, gathering his papers. \u201cWhat you have all said, and the mess you have made of the party, is proof of my point. Without me you are lost. I want you all to go back and re-examine whether you want to succeed or fail. And remember that failure means that some people here may well go to jail. F-A-I-L, J-A-I-L, everyone should memorize that. But I have to be in control. You have to sort out who is responsible to whom. The one at the top will answer to me in my new role as BoT Chairman Emeritus!\u201d<\/p>\n

.This satire was first published by Saharareporters<\/strong><\/p>\n

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